I never knew how much I used the people around me as a fallback to avoid my thoughts until I started the 30-Day cleanse. That’s when I noticed how much I relied on others so I wouldn’t feel lonely. Right when I walk in the door of my house I immediately grab my phone. In no time I would be asking friends or family to come over or just sit on the phone for hours. Other times I’m just on there surfing.
I never thought twice about this before, but after I noticed this pattern in my routine I started wondering why do I avoid participating in the time I have alone. Part of being on the love cleanse in my case is to face the pain of my past and the distraction tactics I’ve used to ignore them. Being on my phone and not allowing myself to have alone time has become a new way of putting off facing myself.
As grateful as I am for my new place, I didn’t know how to be alone because I’m scared of where would my mind will go. I block out many personal thoughts because I honestly don’t want to handle my pain or the emotions that come with it. It seems like too much work to clean those wounds instead of just moving past them, and in a way acknowledging them makes me feel weak.
The thing is that if I want this process to work and to move forward with my life then I have to be willing to change and do what’s uncomfortable. I have to find a way to make peace with whatever unresolved pain that I’ve refused to manage. However, there’s a fine line between ‘having to’ and ‘wanting to’ and I need to cross that line.
I have been blessed with my own place where I can be alone and have my time, so I need to take advantage of this opportunity by facing who I am inside. I just have to take the first step.