I cried for all the days, and all the ways, and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my self from myself, only to have it reflect back on me in the same way others did to me the same thing I had done to myself.
I cried for all the things that I have given, only to have them stolen; for all the things that I had asked for that have yet to show up; for all the things that I accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left to do is cry.
Yesterday I opened the door to the past hurt and pain that I’ve been avoiding for years, and doing so was like nothing that I ever expected. The best way I can describe it is seeing all these different versions of myself that I left behind who are all hurting. I could see the person I was after my friend left because she picked her boyfriend over her friends. The girl I use to be when I found out my ex was with another girl, but I forgave him. The woman who looked past the pain she was feeling simply because she didn’t want to be alone.
The bad part is that I left pieces of myself in that painful places because I didn’t want to address those issues and deal with my emotions. I’ve always seen crying as a sign of weakness. So instead of expressing my emotions I’ve just moved on leaving pieces of me behind until there was nothing left.
After opening that door and becoming aware of what I’ve put myself through I cried. Just like Iyanla Vanzant‘s poem says, I cried for all those reasons and more, and it was the ugliest cry I’ve ever had. I couldn’t believe that the pain I had been carrying for years wasn’t just from other people but self inflicted too.
The unexpected part of the whole thing is that after I cried, I felt peace wash over me. I reached a point where I could forgive myself and move forward. Maybe this cleanse isn’t so much about forgiving others or my past, but being able to find peace in being myself too.